Hobbiton Welcomes New Potato Shop
What's 'Precious Taters'?
Mae govannen, friends! Josh here with a guest post for you today. This one comes from Greg Nix, founder of Chortle, one of the funniest newsletters here on Substack!
Today Greg has a story from the Shire for us about a new local eatery. As many of us will be enjoying various forms of potatoes this week during holiday meals, I found it especially appropriate and entertaining! Enjoy!
Hobbiton Welcomes New Potato Shop
What's ‘Precious Taters’?
HOBBITON—The Shire welcomes a surprising new potato-themed eatery with the grand opening of Precious Taters. It’s the result of a partnership between local hobbit Samwise Gamgee and a twisted cave monster previously local to the Misty Mountains, Gollum (formerly known as Sméagol).
The shop, which opened its doors this week in the heart of Hobbiton, offers a variety of gourmet potato dishes that are already drawing enthusiastic crowds. “What’s Precious Taters? PO-TA-TOES!” Gamgee said from behind the counter, expertly mashing a fresh batch of spuds. “Boil ‘em, mash ‘em, stick ‘em in a stew—it doesn’t matter. What matters is sharing a good meal with good company.”
For Gamgee, that includes the murderous Gollum, who he calls “an old friend.” Though Gamgee admits that the two were once nemeses, the Ring-obsessed creature has gone from fiend to friend and is now co-owner and “head of vibes” at the shop. “We makes the taters just right,” Gollum hissed to reporters. “Nasty hobbitses likes to mash them, but we eats them whole, yes, yes!”
The idea for Precious Taters reportedly took root during an awkward reunion between the pair at the Prancing Pony in Bree. “At first, it was just small talk. Me asking how he managed to escape the fires of Mount Doom, gossip about people we used to be in Fellowship with, things of that sort," Gamgee explained. “But as we got hungry, we realized maybe we have more in common than we thought.”
“I’ll admit that starting a business with Gollum was… unexpected,” Gamgee adds. “But if there’s one thing we both understand, it’s how precious good food can be. Though I do wish he'd stop hissing at the customers.”
You’ll have to scour the Shire to find a more impressive array of potato-themed dishes. The shop’s menu features a wide array of innovative takes on the humble spud, including Smeagol’s Secret Smash, which is served with a side of raw fish. This week’s grand opening drew a significant crowd, including local fool Peregrin Took, who reportedly ordered five servings of the Elevensees E-loaded Potato Skins.
Precious Taters is open daily from second breakfast until supper, with discounts during Merry Hour every Wednesday. Reservations are encouraged but not required—according to Gollum, “It’s first come, first served, GOLLUM GOLLUM.”
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Appendices
Discord member andrew shared this article in the Jokien with Tolkien Discord server and I really enjoyed it: Tolkien’s Precious Words and the Rise of Canon Gatekeeping. It’s a great examination of why there is not really a set ‘canon’ of Tolkien, contrary to those ‘purists’ who would insist on a rigid and narrow definition of what really “counts” as Tolkien.
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"local fool Peregrine Took" lost it there