Tolkien and Lewis Squabble Over Spoilers
C.S. LEWIS: I’m positively giddy to get a gander at what you’re working on, Tollers! But keep in mind that I hate spoilers: I hope these excerpts of your work you’re going to let me read don’t reveal too much about the outcome of the stories…?
J.R.R. TOLKIEN: Oh of course, Jack! Anything for a fellow Inkling! And not to worry: these excerpts shouldn’t spoil too much.
LEWIS: Thank you, my friend! Right then, what’s this first one called?
TOLKIEN: “Of Tuor and The Fall of Gondolin”
LEWIS: …
TOLKIEN: Something wrong, Jack?
LEWIS: Well, it’s just that the title sort of gives away the ending, doesn’t it? The Fall of Gondolin? In other words…SPOILER alert!
TOLKIEN: Hrmm. Well I suppose you’re right. Sorry about that! Here, try this excerpt from The Lord of the Rings. Fun fact: I’ve come up with some additional titles for the book within the book that Bilbo and Frodo write about their adventures! Bilbo of course writes the portion called “My Unexpected Journey. There and Back Again. And What Happened After.”
But when Frodo adds on, he titles his portion “The Downfall of the Lord of the Rings and the Return of the King”
LEWIS: Really? REALLY? The Downfall of the Lord of the Rings? AND the Return of the King?? Not much left to the imagination there! It’s as if you’re doing this on purpose to spite me!
J.R.R. TOLKIEN: er…I’m sorry *nervous chuckle* Not intentional at all. Just can’t seem to help myself…though that’s hardly a spoiler that the Big Bad doesn’t ultimately triumph. *softly* I see what you mean about the King returning bit though.
LEWIS: *exasperated sigh*
TOLKIEN: Alright, I’ve got it: here’s an excerpt from The Silmarillion for you to read. I’m describing the distinctives of a group of high elves—the Noldor—and mentioning the greatest treasure they ever produced: the Silmarils.
…for of [the Valar Aulë] they learned much in after days, and they are the most skilled of the Elves; and in their own fashion…they added much to his teaching, delighting in tongues and in scripts and in the figures of broidery, of drawing, of carving. The Noldor also it was who first achieved the making of gems, and the fairest of all gems were the Silmarils, and they are lost.1
LEWIS: *throws papers down in frustration* This is literally the first mention of these greatest of treasures and most skillful of the works of Elves and you just casually throw in that little detail that they are lost??
TOLKIEN: *picks up papers from around Lewis* Ahh, I mean, um, disregard that. Let’s skip all the way to the end to the final section: the Akallabêth. It’s about the island nation of Númenor.
LEWIS: I’m afraid to ask but…what does that title mean?
TOLKIEN: …
LEWIS: Oh no, don’t tell me…another spoiler??
TOLKIEN: *looks down*
LEWIS: what does it mean?
TOLKIEN: *shakes head furiously*
LEWIS: WHAT DOES IT—
TOLKIEN: ALL RIGHT! *he pauses, then mumbles* Akallabêth roughly translates to “the Downfallen.”
LEWIS: By the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe, Tolkien, what is your problem???
TOLKIEN: Well excuse me for wanting to be descriptive and catch the attention of my readers! We can’t all just list the NAMES of characters or pieces of furniture as the titles of our books!
LEWIS: What’s that supposed to mean, exactly?
TOLKIEN: Do I have to spell it out for you? The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Prince Caspian! The Magician’s Nephew?? THE HORSE AND HIS BOY! THE SILVER CHAIR?!??
LEWIS: They aren’t ALL like that!
TOLKIEN: You’re quite right: one of them is named The Last Battle! A tad spoilery I think if I do say so myself!
*a few seconds of strained silence pass*
LEWIS: …are you quite finished?
TOLKIEN: [a bit abashed] yes…yes I, I think so.
LEWIS: Good, because I’ve worked up quite the thirst with all this…spirited discussion. Fancy a pint at the Eagle & Child?
TOLKIEN: Spoiler alert, Jack: I’d love one. And don’t forget second pint!
For more Tolkien and Lewis sketches like this, be sure to check out previous entries in this series:
Appendices
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J.R.R. Tolkien, The Silmarillion, ed. Christopher Tolkien (New York: Ballantine, 1979), 35.
I got to say, the part about using names and pieces of furniture in titles is awesome!
I am for sure using “by the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe!” as many times as possible from here on out. 😂